papa-paparazzi

I use to stay awake all night to feel alive... and to watch the sunrise. I can't do that anymore, and feel so out of it.

huh.

I didn't work out yesterday because I was sick and in major pain. Me in pain is never a good thing. Remember that, alright? Anyways, I didn't work out yesterday and I'm not working out today because I'm still sort of in pain.

I have to do homework now. Fun stuff!

:)

Not.

so long ago

When I first started working out last summer, before I suddenly stopped, I felt empowered to keep working out. The story is, before school ended, I had sent my old guitar instructor, also known to my friends as my number one hawtie crush, a letter explaining all of my feelings and why I couldn't learn from him anymore. Point is, he never responded and I moved on. However, mid summer, I had posted photos of my friends and I and he had decided to comment on every single one of them that contained my friends. He would comment saying something like, "YOU'RE so beautiful, so-and-so's name here," never mentioning me.

The whole thing just pissed me off so much, and I was just off of re-cutting and I didn't want to cut again so I did something I never did. I began working out. It relieved so much stress and I just started doing it quite often.

And my freaking gosh, I felt incredible after the pain subsided. I didn't want to cut myself as often, and I was slowly becoming happy. But then I stopped. And it hit me. And this summer I planned to begin working out straight away but never did. I felt ashamed. Especially when my stepfather would make fun of me. Fuck.

See, this is why I don't like talking about my weight. ANYWAYS.

I started working out again. The pain. is. fucking. unbearable.

Peaceee.

Yes, I get it. I'm hideously fat and ugly and that's why I have no boyfriends. Thanks. Seriously.

invoking fear

Fear is a very powerful thing. It can make the simplest person go crazy, stir-mad, upset. It can change someone completely. I've had only one truly fearful experience in my life, and that was when my parents were close to death at our cottage. I was young then, nine, I think. There was a huge storm that had come out of no where, and my parents were caught in the middle of the lake. That was the only time I was really afraid.

I believe I wouldn't like being afraid again. To lose control like that. Not the best feeling, in all honesty.

happiness and kitties

Rain makes me really happy. Like, the happiest I've ever been. It is the only time you will see me with a really wide smile on my mouth, and actually mean it. That, and my baby kitty. Who's not so much a baby or a kitty. But she's mine and I lurveeeee her so fucking much. Those are the only two times I will really ever be truly happy whilst in this funky depression.

Hallelujah

Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

i hate this right now.

Had a huge post about.... oh yes, why I hate mornings. Like, huge. Then it wouldn't post. Damn blogger.

THIS IS WHY I LIKE LIVEJOURNAL BETTER.~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Basically;

1. I have insomnia, so I get about 2 hours of sleep each night.
2. Parents make us kids get up at 6 to feed the cats we own, because they're "better then everyone else". Not like it matters that they wake up at 5:30-6:00, anyways, right?
3. Because I get about 2 hours of sleep, wake up at 6 for school and kitties, I'm not in a happy mood.
4. Especially if there's no caffeine... which there usually isn't.
5. If something annoys me, pisses me off or just... no caffeine. I get worse.
6. Then, I'll go and think about how to harm myself and avoid humans.

Fun, right?

I'm C/P-ing this, just in case.

the following program contains scenes of....

This whole university shit is completely stressing me the fuck out. It's not even the start of September, hell, August, and I'm worried about the fact that I won't be accepted into anything. I don't want to stay in this freaking city. I want to get away from my family, from this unhappiness.

I feel like I'm going to be a total freaking failure. I hate that freaking failing

.....fairly odd

The reason why I went into a depression all the way back into grade five was because of two main reasons, both linked together. I had no friends back then. I understand that a lot of people say this, but for me, it was a real thing going on in my life. I would sit alone during recesses, in a corner of a wall, far away from everyone. If anyone neared my corner, they stayed far away from me, or came to me and asked me why I was always alone. Whenever I even tried to answer them, they would just run away, forgetting about the girl who did nothing. This went on from grades one to six, which doesn't seem like a long time, but to me, it was freaking everything. The second reason was because I'm overweight. If anyone did notice me, it was so they could call me "fat-ass", "fatty", "fat-so," all those things. In grade five, I started cutting myself. At first it was with scissors, during class. No one really looked at me to notice, so I kept going. And going. Then it was with a knife, then a razor blade, then my own finger nails. That was to deal with my loneliness. In order to deal with my overbearing weight, I started purging. Sometimes, depending on my mood, I wouldn't even eat at all. It's still like that, truthfully.

I hate my body. I try to lose weight but I have no motivation to right now. I'm just so sick of my weight, I need the motivation and.... it's bringing me back to my depression. I was originally going to start working out on the first day of summer vacation but I soon found myself procrastinating, soon saying I would start on the first of August. And I plan on freaking keeping that promise, I swear to it. I believe this is the first step in being happy again. I must do this, or else. I'm so sick of being "fat" or "overweight". Just the other day my mom questioned why I thought I was ugly and I said, "because that's what I've been told." And I have.

Well, I'm sick of believing such things, I'm sick of being unhappy and I'm sick of being paranoid about people looking at me and thinking, "Oh my god, she's so fat." Just in June, I stopped being friends with someone I figured my best friend because I learned he always made fun of my weight. Sick sick sick!

Fear

Just thinking about after high school, university especially, freaks me out. I use to be able to think about university and be all excited. Now, I have no fucking idea. I thought I knew what university I would go to (Toronto) but now, I have no idea. I thought I knew what I wanted to go into (Psychology for Children's Therapy and then Writing) but now, I still have no freaking idea (kind of. I mean, I still want to do writing). The only for sure thing that I know is that I want to get away from my city. Now, just looking at universities makes this pain in my stomach arrive. I start breathing more heavily and I get dizzy. Something I call "Futeritis"? I feel like I can't handle this. I fear that come time to apply for university, I'll have no where to apply. Or, if I do apply, I fear that no one will accept me and I'll be stuck going to college -- not necessarily a bad thing but definitely something I don't want.

I know this feeling is normal in teens my age, but I don't like this. I feel like I'm not being in control and I hate not being in control. Fudgeo's.

My mom just sorta scolded me for picking my mosquito bites. Gross, I know but it's the only way I won't self-harm. Pretty screwed up, right?

I once used this website to blog about how I felt. I never used it so I could talk about my day, seeing as I had another blog for that. When I say how I felt, I mean, "my depression/bi-polar-ness". Of course, I'm not bi-polar and I don't use that term lightly, but I am seeing a doctor about checking currently. My last blog only had 13 entries, spread out through three months and then I deleted it in fear that someone from my summer school course, or worse, my teacher, would find it and read it and then bring in even more stress, which I really don't need. However, I realized that people have lives and wouldn't bother checking so I decided to re-start this baby, all new. If someone from my class happens to stumble upon this thing, so be it. Of course, I would hope that they would just click the little "x" in the corner and not tell anyone, but if not, c'est la vie, right? Of course, if we know each other fairly well, go read, just keep it to yourself. The title in itself came from the fact that everyone says I'm lovely (though I don't believe it) and I like being anonymous. I feel like I can explain myself better in words than out loud. It's who I am, who I'll always be.

Anyways, this blog is mainly, like said above, about my depression struggles. You'll read a lot about how I try not to harm myself or how I try not to get angry at everything quite often. Read if you must. I'm out. Peace.