.....fairly odd

The reason why I went into a depression all the way back into grade five was because of two main reasons, both linked together. I had no friends back then. I understand that a lot of people say this, but for me, it was a real thing going on in my life. I would sit alone during recesses, in a corner of a wall, far away from everyone. If anyone neared my corner, they stayed far away from me, or came to me and asked me why I was always alone. Whenever I even tried to answer them, they would just run away, forgetting about the girl who did nothing. This went on from grades one to six, which doesn't seem like a long time, but to me, it was freaking everything. The second reason was because I'm overweight. If anyone did notice me, it was so they could call me "fat-ass", "fatty", "fat-so," all those things. In grade five, I started cutting myself. At first it was with scissors, during class. No one really looked at me to notice, so I kept going. And going. Then it was with a knife, then a razor blade, then my own finger nails. That was to deal with my loneliness. In order to deal with my overbearing weight, I started purging. Sometimes, depending on my mood, I wouldn't even eat at all. It's still like that, truthfully.

I hate my body. I try to lose weight but I have no motivation to right now. I'm just so sick of my weight, I need the motivation and.... it's bringing me back to my depression. I was originally going to start working out on the first day of summer vacation but I soon found myself procrastinating, soon saying I would start on the first of August. And I plan on freaking keeping that promise, I swear to it. I believe this is the first step in being happy again. I must do this, or else. I'm so sick of being "fat" or "overweight". Just the other day my mom questioned why I thought I was ugly and I said, "because that's what I've been told." And I have.

Well, I'm sick of believing such things, I'm sick of being unhappy and I'm sick of being paranoid about people looking at me and thinking, "Oh my god, she's so fat." Just in June, I stopped being friends with someone I figured my best friend because I learned he always made fun of my weight. Sick sick sick!