papa-paparazzi

I use to stay awake all night to feel alive... and to watch the sunrise. I can't do that anymore, and feel so out of it.

huh.

I didn't work out yesterday because I was sick and in major pain. Me in pain is never a good thing. Remember that, alright? Anyways, I didn't work out yesterday and I'm not working out today because I'm still sort of in pain.

I have to do homework now. Fun stuff!

:)

Not.

so long ago

When I first started working out last summer, before I suddenly stopped, I felt empowered to keep working out. The story is, before school ended, I had sent my old guitar instructor, also known to my friends as my number one hawtie crush, a letter explaining all of my feelings and why I couldn't learn from him anymore. Point is, he never responded and I moved on. However, mid summer, I had posted photos of my friends and I and he had decided to comment on every single one of them that contained my friends. He would comment saying something like, "YOU'RE so beautiful, so-and-so's name here," never mentioning me.

The whole thing just pissed me off so much, and I was just off of re-cutting and I didn't want to cut again so I did something I never did. I began working out. It relieved so much stress and I just started doing it quite often.

And my freaking gosh, I felt incredible after the pain subsided. I didn't want to cut myself as often, and I was slowly becoming happy. But then I stopped. And it hit me. And this summer I planned to begin working out straight away but never did. I felt ashamed. Especially when my stepfather would make fun of me. Fuck.

See, this is why I don't like talking about my weight. ANYWAYS.

I started working out again. The pain. is. fucking. unbearable.

Peaceee.

Yes, I get it. I'm hideously fat and ugly and that's why I have no boyfriends. Thanks. Seriously.

invoking fear

Fear is a very powerful thing. It can make the simplest person go crazy, stir-mad, upset. It can change someone completely. I've had only one truly fearful experience in my life, and that was when my parents were close to death at our cottage. I was young then, nine, I think. There was a huge storm that had come out of no where, and my parents were caught in the middle of the lake. That was the only time I was really afraid.

I believe I wouldn't like being afraid again. To lose control like that. Not the best feeling, in all honesty.

happiness and kitties

Rain makes me really happy. Like, the happiest I've ever been. It is the only time you will see me with a really wide smile on my mouth, and actually mean it. That, and my baby kitty. Who's not so much a baby or a kitty. But she's mine and I lurveeeee her so fucking much. Those are the only two times I will really ever be truly happy whilst in this funky depression.

Hallelujah

Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah